Danish for beginners

The memorable Swedish bookshop scene from the classic comedy film Top Secret (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AC8MYNWfTDg&feature=related) is played backwards, including the soundtrack, in an attempt to imitate the peculiar sound of the Swedish language. Well, in my opinion, if it had been a Danish bookshop, the entire scene would have been shot underwater.

The swallowed syllables, forgotten word-endings, lazy pronunciation, soft D’s and T’s, silent V’s, G’s, D’s, L’s, E’s, H’s and R’s (you begin to wonder why all these letter are still there), constant slur – all this adds up to a muffled mumble that resembles an underwater dialogue between two divers comparing notes on fish. At least that’s how it sounds to the Anglicised ear (and apparently to Norwegians as well, as this wonderful clip from Norwegian TV suggests: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s-mOy8VUEBk).

But as unintelligible and incomprehensible a language this is – learn it I must, if I’m ever to integrate myself in this brave new society. And so I signed myself up for an intensive language course in Denmark’s largest language school in Copenhagen. “You’re lucky enough to be learning at the same school that taught both Princess Alexandra and Princess Mary Danish” said the teacher on one of the first classes. “So as you can see,” she continued, “we get it right at least half of the times”. I’m gonna like this school.

The first good thing about the Danish language program was that it was free! Big thumbs up to Socialist Denmark, which clearly cares enough about the integration of newly arrived, that it offers them free language education. The second best thing about it was an obvious bonus – the opportunity to meet other professional migrants and share our thoughts about our new home country. “You know what they say about how the modern Danish language evolved,” said one of my classmates in the first week of school. “It was during the time when the water in Copenhagen was too polluted to drink, and everyone was drunk on beer!” Now there’s an urban legend I can buy into – it surely explains why the first few times I heard my partner speak Danish I thought he was sick and about to throw up (now I know it was just those awful bløde D’s).

“The fact that Danish has no word for ‘please’ just shows how impolite Danes are,” said another classmate. I actually like the fact that Danish doesn’t have a word for ‘please’ and thus avoids the ridiculously exaggerated English politeness (I had a strange hobby in London of counting the number of please’s and thank-you’s uttered by shoppers and service-givers in as simple a transaction as buying a sandwich – suffice it to say that it’s more than a dozen). Besides you have so many other words instead – ‘lige’, ‘gerne’ and even ‘tak’!

I have to admit there are a lot of things I like about the Danish language: the ubiquity of the word ‘det’ and the endearing Shakespearean way in which it’s used (only in Danish can you hear on a regular basis a Yoda-sounding sentence like “this I shall”); the melodic intonation that makes you think there’s a question mark at the end of each sentence (the first time my partner said “I love you” I thought he was asking a question…); and my all-time favourite – the ability to say ‘yes’ or express affirmation by a short and quick intake of breath (where I come from, a short and loud breath intake suggests alarm, and so the first time I visited Denmark and spoke to people – especially women, who seem to do the breath intake more frequently – I kept looking around worryingly and asking “what happened?!”)

But the question remains – am I actually capable of learning this weird-sounding language? Is it possible for a foreigner to master the 40-odd vowels and sound (almost) like a local after several years here? Because truth be told the Danes expect nothing less – as opposed to England and America, a foreign-sounding but otherwise correct local language simply won’t do in this country. I’m gonna have to give it my best.